Loving Myself When Instagram Doesn’t Want Me To

Rockaway Beach | August 2019

One of the reasons why I launched this blog was to create a space where women could help each other cultivate more self-love and develop a greater understanding and appreciation for “the process”, whatever that may mean to you right now. 

I used to follow a handful of popular influencers on Instagram. I followed anyone from Kylie Jenner to fitness accounts managed by too-perfect-to-be-true Australian women. Not only did photos from these profiles appear on my home feed, but they also dominated my explore page every single day. I am sure several of you will relate when I say that the constant exposure to images of women who are seemingly richer, more well-traveled, thinner, had fewer blemishes, flatter stomachs, exceptionally dressed in designer clothing, drove fancier cars, had longer and thicker hair (can I stop now or did I miss one?) fueled my insecurities and resulted in increased anxiety and self-doubt. This is a common concern among young women on social media.

I know that these profiles are highly curated and brilliantly photoshopped. Did that prevent me from feeling less-than? Absolutely not! Am I cognizant of the fact that Kylie has a personal trainer, in-home chef, professional photographer, stylist, makeup artist, hairdresser, and assistant? Yep! No matter how often I remind myself that lives like these are strictly designed for the internet, or that people only share the highlights, I still suffer from insecurity about my own looks and accomplishments. I scrolled their feeds mindlessly, yearning to be as adored or admired. I began to talk like some of the influencers I followed and even purchased products they *were paid to* promote.

All of this nonsense came to the forefront one day when a loved one confronted me about the absolute absurdity of me specifying the brand of milk frother I preferred from Target. If it was not the one I saw on Instagram, I didn’t want it. Let me just write that again… A milk frother. Who was I, Mariah Carey? I am incredibly honored to say that my group of girlfriends is one hell of a badass bunch of women. The women in my life would not dare let me speak a negative word about myself nor feel like anything less than the queen that I am, that we all are. So why do I allow myself to think this way and get this low? 

The truth is, I am writing this post from my couch in gray sweatpants and a gray sweatshirt. It’s the middle of the week and school started back up again. I didn’t get home from class until 10 o’clock last night and I am drained. I feel guilty for not taking my dog for a longer walk after work this evening. I want to cook something but we don’t have enough food in the fridge right now. My apartment is in disarray because we are repainting our walls and kitchen table. As you can tell, my life is far from instagram-able right now… but isn’t it also exactly like all of yours? 

I will not deny that I curate my online image. I love Instagram and I adore sharing highlights of my life with friends and followers. I think that Twitter is the greatest thing on Earth and I wonder every single day why I can’t be as funny or as clever as some people on there. However, I am making it a top priority (and publishing this post will send it out into the universe forever) to focus on loving my very real, very raw life. My family is healthy, my dog is the best thing to ever happen to me, I am getting a graduate degree in a dynamic subject that I am thrilled to learn more about, my apartment is located in a safe neighborhood, and I can afford to pay rent, travel, and try new restaurants. I have an excellent support system of friends and mentors who motivate me every day, and I have the freedom and privilege to pursue my dreams.

I must remember that the connections I have on a daily basis are more meaningful than one stupid “like” on a photo and the world through my own eyes is more gorgeous than what any iPhone could capture. All of my experiences make me me and it’s time I start loving that person a little better.

Thank you for making it this far. I hope you share some of my same sentiments and that we can all inspire and encourage one another even when society’s standards don’t want us to.